This is going to be a long post…
I am a plant researcher and after my PhD I tried to get a
job in an area closer to what I was doing before my PhD and if possible,
outside academia as I don’t think it’s for me. After several months of sending
applications to companies and more technical-oriented positions and only
receiving NO NO NO, I applied to a post doc more in line with my postgraduate
studies. I got an interview in the UK, the boss seemed quite nice (compared to
the bully I had as a PhD supervisor) and I got the job.
Starting in a new area, even though related to my PhD
studies, was harder than I thought. As the months go by, I am liking the people
in the group and the quality of the work they do, less and less. I am not good
at networking, one of the reasons I want to quit academia, I do have good
social skills and I have low tolerance to bullshit and kissing ass! I find
myself sharing the office with the boss favourite which seemed nice in the beginning
but turn out to have two faces. Very often, if she is alone in the office and I
arrive and say good morning I don’t get a reply! Always trying to outdo other
people, she is never wrong and she is the best. Unfortunately, for her ,she seems
to have very little to show for all that grandeur but it’s still an unpleasant
presence and the nasty comments do affect me and my day.
Today, was one of those days that I thought again and again:
what I am I doing here? I don’t’ feel like this is for me. I don’t have the
passion for science, as I see in my husband, for example even though I like lab
work. At the same time I don’t know any more what I want to do and where do I
fit in. My PhD was quite hard, my boss was a bully especially towards women in
the group and I was really happy when I finished. I expected that the next job
would be for sure, better but I am not feeling happier and part of me says it’s
me which makes me really sad. I am grateful that I have a job, it pays my bills
so everytime I feel miserable like this, without really knowing how to solve it,
I think off all the people that don’t have a job and would like to have one, which
makes me think I am ungrateful and should just suck it up.
I just needed to put it out there….
